Sohma Living!
by Friend of Juunishi
Summary: Mowing lawns? Talking vegetables? Vacationing? Are the Sohma's going insane!rnChapter 5 and 6 now up!
1. Garage Sale Shopping Spree

"Sohma Living"

COMMENTARY:

Konnichiwa! I'm Friend of Juunishi! Call me Nezumi. Yeah.....Well, let's get a few things straight:

1.) I do not own Fruits Basket and if I did I would not be here telling this pitiful story that is my life.

2.) Please do not e-mail me in any hateful manner. My feelings are extremely fragile.

3.) Have fun!

P.S. I do not like shounen-ai/shojo-ai in any form. If you are expecting that then hit that little icon at the top that says 'Back' and you will not have to waste your precious minutes reading to pointless blabber. Thanks!

CHAPTER 1: Garage Sale Shopping Spree

Tohru, and Uo go to Hana's at 7:00 am on a Saturday morning in a small town where all the cool people go garage saling at all insane hours of the morning.

"Hana, we were wondering if you know any good garage sale areas?"

She stared at them blankly because they woke her while she was sleeping in her coffin.

(Hana-chan has a coffin?! I knew there was something strange about that girl!)

"I know someone who does."

Hana takes them to her gramma's to pick up the queen of all shoppers.

"Grandmother...." Hana knocks on the front door of her gramma's house spookedly

"Hello....How is my granddaughter?"An elderly woman answers and walks out in a lavishing (?) way with a dark aura with purple lightning in the background.

"I'm okay.These are my friends Uotani Arisa and Honda Tohru."

They looked at the woman in the door way warily.She had on a black cape and......

She takes off the cape to reveal....

A Janet Jackson Superbowl re-run!

(I kid,I kid....)

Gramma poses like a model to show off her hot pink mini-dress which has lime green flowers on it.

"$2.50 at Wal-Mart."

"Nice Grandma." Saki replies politely even though secretly she loaths it.

Tohru looks at it with eager eyes and says, "It is very lovely!And it looks so good on you!"

Uo stared at the ugly dress, thinking she should ask the woman why she'd wear something like that in public, but decided to be kind.

"Yeah,....it looks..nice."

"Grandma, we were wondering-? "

"Yes, Hana? Has the orb revealed anything to your dim mind?"

"We were wondering if you would take us garage saling?"

The old woman's eyes glowed with evil as she said, "..of course..heeheehee...."

Hana,Tohru, and Uo were abnormally scared by the old lady and started to think it wasn't such a good idea to ask...

"I'll go fetch my purse, then we can all load up in the truck."

After Hana's gramma dissapeared into the house, Uo asked Hana, "Are you so sure about this? She said 'truck'..."

"She has a special truck she drives whenever she goes garage saling."

"I'm back!" she said, leading them into the back yard.

They paused when they saw a vehicle that was very ancient-looking, and big enough to hold King-Kong.

"Load Up!"

Hana briskly hopped into the bed of the pickup, yet the other two struggled like it was a rock wall.

Hana chided Uo and Tohru, "When you get on, be sure to hold onto the side."

"Why the heck would I do that?" Uo asked.

"Unless you have some sort of death wish, You might want to hang on, tightly."

Uo, of course, wasn't in the mood to fulfill requests, so she didn't.

Finally, after everyone was in (on) , grandma shouted, "Is everyone aboard?"

"Yep"

"...yes.."

"We're all ready!"

"Hang on!"

The lady pressed her foot onto the gas pedal as hard as she could, sending Uo flying into the back window.

"Oops! Forgot to put it in drive.."

Uo, now very flustered (and hurt) grips the side till her knuckles started growing into the metal of the vehicle.

Grandma,now with the car in DRIVE, surges forward. The radio is blasting out heavy metal music.

She shouts over the bass speakers, "I got shocks too,ya know." She turns a corner sharply nearly sending everyone but Saki out of the back (Hana is used to it).

Finally after a bumpy ride they stop in front of their first victom.

They have hangers for free in a dumpster across the street.

"heeheehee..."

Grandma began shoveling them into the back of the truck madly, covering the girls neck-high in hangers.

"These are the ones you can buy at the store for $5.00 a pair!" she said.

"Very good deal, Grandma.." Though, even Hana was surprised this time.

"Well , let's move on!"

The next place they went to had a sign out in front that said:

'POKE'MON CARDS FREE TO EACH VISITOR '

The lady's eyes lit up."Free?...Let's Go!"

She helped Hana, Uo, and Tohru get out of the rear of the truck.

By now, they didn't smell like 'Clinique Happy' anymore.

"Okay...I've got a box of costumes in the cab."

She went and got the box of costumes.It was huge.

"Each one of you will slip something over your clothes, and walk over there, and get free Poke'mon cards!"

Then she made that 'Peek Pi!' noise that Picachu makes on the t.v. show.

"Uh,...Grandma?...are you going to do this too?" asked Hana.

The old woman proudly shook her head and told them, "Nope! If an old woman like me goes over there and asks for free Poke'mon cards, they'll think I'm weird! Oh, and then after you've got the cards, come back here and I'll give you a different costume!"

She then made a squeeky noise that sounded oddly like the Bulbasaur character....("Bul-ba-saur!")

"Okay, Tohru...you take this one. " Hands Tohru a Dutch costume, " Hat and all....Hana, you take this one."

Gives Hana a fluffy, pink gown.

Hana interrupted, "If you think I'm going to wear this...."

"Nope!I meant you wear _this_," she said while handing Hana a black nun's outfit. A smile broke on Hana's stern face, "and _you _wear the gown, Uo."

"WHAT?!YOU"VE GOTTA BE -" Uo argued, holding the horrible, pink, fluffiness, that happened to resemble a piece of **pink** cotton candy.

"Get changed!" Grandma cheerily said and ushered them hurriedly.

"Okay!" Tohru replied.

They went around the truck so no-one would notice that they were changing just to get cards.

Then they came back around to show Grandma.

"Wonderful!"

Tohru looked joyful, Hana looked dark, and Uo looked ready to kill someone.

"Uo, you go first!" said Grandma.

"...FINE....." Uo said with a rotten smile.

She went over to the lady in charge of the garage sale.

She wore pink and had a 'Ready to die?' look on her face.

The woman was afraid of Uo but managed to look cheery.

"Hello! Would you like some FREE Poke'mon cards? I've got almost a million of these things!"

"Sure. Great."

Uo thrust her hand forward to recieve the not-so-precious cards.

The woman gave her 3 cards.

"You can look around, if you'd like, too!"

"No."

"Well, have a good day!"

"Yeah, right." she mumbled.

Uo was back at the truck getting on a bounty hunter suit, glad to get rid of the evil pinkiness when Tohru was on her way over to the sale.

Grandma said to Uo, "But you looked so fancy and cute wearing that gown!"

"I looked like a cotton candy puffball."

"Hello, miss."said the sales woman.

The sales lady was glad to see Tohru, because even a colorful dutch outfit was nice after a pink mad-woman.

"Would you like some FREE Poke'mon cards?"

"Sure!"

Tohru smiled and the woman handed her 3 cards.

"Thank you!"

"Of course!!Would you like to look around?"

"Okay!Thank you!"

Tohru looked around for a little while, then went back to the truck for another costume.

"Outstanding, Tohru! You did outstanding!" The old lady said.

"Thank You!"

Hana went over to the sale and spoke before the sales woman could.

"Madam, I am with St.Maria's Catholic Children's Orphanage and Convent. We are collecting toys for our society. Do you have anything you wouldn mind 'donating'?"

"Yes,yes,yes....hmm...How about these Poke'mon cards?"

She offers the box to Hana.

Hana grabbed the box, "Oh Thank you! God bless you!"

She bowed lowly before leaving.

"Way to go,Hana!"

"You scored the whole box?! How?"

" I told her I was collecting toys for our convent/orphanage."

"You lied?" Tohru asked.

"Well, yes."

"Jump in girls. Time to find the next victim."

Uo and Tohru look at Hana pleading with her to save them.

"Grandma? Could we go back? We are really quite through."

"Okay. Take as many hangers as you like. I'm trading the Poke'mon cards. Would you like me to take you home?"

"Thanks, but no." The ride had done enough damage already, "We'll walk."

With that they headed home into the sunset.

THE END

COMMENTARY:

Nezumi: These stories come from real life experiences.

**- -** : I'll make this quick.

This stupid commentary is over.

Let's get on with the next chapter! :)


	2. Desperate Carwash

CHAPTER 2: Desperate Carwash

Victims: Hatsuharu and Momiji Sohma

Torture: Sitting in the hot sun while advertising for the carwash that is supposed to take them to Six Flags.

"Car Wash. . . . $5.00 . . . . Please come. . . . "

Hatsuharu's voice was getting hoarse after sitting hours in the sun holding the big sign .

It stated:

**CAR WASH**

**$5**

Black cloathing and the sun just don't mix. Momiji bounded up to him excitedly.

"Haru! Daijoubo? Do you want to take a break?"

"No....must advertise...."

"Would you like some water?"

"YES!!!- I mean, yeah, sure."

"I'll be back!"

And with that Momiji ran off toward the back of the building.

"Man....it sure is hot. "

_How did I get into this mess again?Oh, yeah. I volunteered._

It all began....(begin flashback)

**"Okay, class. We are going to take a trip to Six Flags over Texas!"**

**said the teacher brightly one day.**

**"Uh, where's Texas?!"**

**said some snot-nosed-kid.**

**(litterally snot-nosed)**

**"In America!!!"**

**(angelic choir music starts.)**

**Everyone's eyes shined with stars and time stopped.**

**Then time started again.**

**(angelic choir music stops.)**

**"We will be having a carwash on Saturday at 10 a.m. to raise money. If you come I will pay half of your fare."**

**"Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

**'Darn, I'll miss Yu-Gi-Oh!' Momiji thought.**

**'Oh, well!'**

(End flashback)

Some guy came by and said with a smart mouth attitude, "I don't see a car wash? Yeah, right a car wash."

" It's 'round back."

Haru stared absently across the street at some kid with a bike.

"Bike wash! $5.00!" He yelled at the kid, "If you don't come . . ."

Momiji ran up,"Haru!"

_Kid's probably saving up for a X-Box or something.Not stupid enough to do it._

Momiji handed Haru his water. Haru drank it all in one gulp and began shoving the cup towards the boy. "More....more.....more!"

"Ok, don't need to be so pushy."

Momiji ran off again to fetch water.

Momiji ran inside the school building and to the cafeteria. While filling an 'Igloo' water thingy he noticed a 'beep' 'beep' laying on the counter. He picked up the 'beep' 'beep' and went outside with it and the 'Igloo' water thingy.

_Haru should be very happy when I tell him my plan to do with this ' beep' ' beep'._

Meanwhile Haru was still working hard. Some guy drove by in a pickup and made a very rude hand guesture. Haru, upon seeing this, got extremely angry inside and was about to chase after him and be in Black mode (even though he's exhausted) when he thought,

_Why?_

Then his BLACK side answered,

_Because he needs to pay._

_No,not this time._

_Awww......but it is so fun!_

_Nope.Nothing doing._

_Fine!_

Haru turned and on seeing Momiji, he thought,

_Why the heck is he carrying a bungee cord? The heat must be getting to him._

"Haaruuu!"

(Aaargggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! The happiness is killing me!!!!! Help!!! I'm melting!!!!!!!!)

He stared at the boy cluelessly.

"Haru,we can use this cord to bungee jump from the lampposts into people's windshields!THAT will get their attention!"

"BRILLIANT, MOMIJI!!!!!!"

"Uh, thanks."

They hurriedly began tying the ropes and soon fashioned themselves a poor-looking death trap.

To them it was a masterpeice.

"Now, Momiji, you will stay on my back while I hold the sign in front. If something happens......

.....find Hatori."

Haru sounded like he was briefing a team of Navy Seals on an extremely costly mission.

Momiji saluted to his cousin.

They climbed up and hooked themselves into the device.

"Okay, first victim ."

They jumped down and the car nearly crashed.

A guy slammed open his car door and began screaming at the ushi and usagi,

"What the heck do you think you are doing?!I could have been killed."

"But you weren't." Haru answered lamely.

"Hello sir, we are having a car wash and were wondering if-"

"Car wash?! Car wash?! Why don't you just wave signs on street corners like normal people?!"

"Didn't work."

The guy had had enough and jumped in his car and pulled away.

They had decided it was not worth their lives to jump in front of an 18-wheeler, so....they just didn't do it.

Momiji and Haru climbed back up the post.This time it was a black car. A lot like Hatori's.

"Hey,hey!! Haru,it looks like Hatori's car! Let's get 'em!"

"Sure."

They jumped again.The car stopped suddenly.

"What on earth?!"

Hatori Sohma jumped out of his car.

(Alot of people are jumping....Oh, well!)

"Ha'ri-ni!! Hi, hi!! What are you doing here?! Who is with you, Ha'ri-ni?!"

The person(s) in the car were Yuki and Kyo.

"Yuki, Kyo, and I came to see if you guys were having fun and if you were drinking enough water. It's very hot today."

"Yeah. Look, this," Haru guestured at the mess and jumble of bungee cord, "was all Momiji's idea. I just did it because I didn't want him to kill himself. Without adult supervision."

Hatsuharu looked very flustered. He didn't want anyone else to see him. Especially his older cousins.

Yuki and Kyo were cracking up at the sight of Haru and Momiji.

"Hahahaha! Baka Ushi getting what he deserves!"

Yuki was trying extremely hard to control his laughter because he has never laughed in any form in front of his parents or anyone else for that matter. Anyways....

Momiji was sitting behind Haru who was holding a sign and looking rather stupid.

Momiji was waving madly and smiling obssessively.

(Don't you just wanna smack that Usagi?!)

"Also I came to tell you---" Hatori started, "Will you two PLEASE shut up?!" He yelled at Yuki and Kyo who were now clutching their sides while rolling on the ground.

"Yeah, what did you come to tell us?"Haru inquired.

"Akito says you cannot go to Six Flags."

"What?!" Momiji and Haru yell very,very angrily.

_We worked.....FOR NOTHING!!!!!! I'll kill you Akito!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_I missed Yu-Gi-Oh! FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be mad at you Akito!!!!!!!!!!!!_

The two passed out on the ropes they were attached to.

"Okay,let's take them home."

THE END

COMMENTARY:

Nezumi : ME AND MY BROTHER CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA OF BUNGEE JUMPING WHILE

ADVERTISING FOR A CARWASH. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Ototo: or anywhere else for that matter.

- - : You Guys Shouldn't Have Tried It In The First Place....wait a minute...you DIDN'T...?

Nezumi : YOU ARE SO MUCH LIKE KYO.

- - : REAL-ly? (sounding like stupid-dumb-retarted-freaky-slow-hated by me- spongebob.

Notice no respect for his name. I didn't uppercase it.)

Ototo : i'm sorry i'm not worthy enough to be in your club! gomennasaigomennasaigomennasai!!!!!!!!

Nezumi : I ALSO FORGOT, IF ANYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT THE JAPANESE TEXT SAYS, I WILL NOT TELL YOU BECAUSE IF YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT ALREADY THEN YOU ARE NOT AN ACTUAL OTAKU!!!! LOOK IT UP ON GOOGLE.


	3. Weird Shopping Experiences

CHAPTER 3: Weird Shopping Experiences

"Tohru! Do you need to go to the store?"

"Yes, Kagura. I need to pick up some cream for strawberries, milk for -"

"Kyo...(sigh)...(flower petals in background)...(reality)."

"Uh, yes, and I hear that they now have watermelons!"

"Mmmmm...Yummy!"

Tohru was planning on having a big dinner for the entire Juunishi (exception: Akito) this evening.

"Yuki!" Tohru called from the kitchen.

"Yes, Ms. Honda?" He replied from the living room.

"We are going to the store now. Would you like to come?"

"Sure. That sounds fun."

"Ok!"

And with that they made their way to the grocery store.

Upon arrival Yuki announces,

"Honda-san, I will go get the cream for strawberries-"

"No,no, don't go to any trouble!"

"No, it isn't any trouble. That's why I came. I also have some other things to pick up." He said with a mysterious smile.

(No, you fan girls cannot imagine what he is thinking. You guys have dirty minds.)

Fan Girls: Awwwwwww...

"Um,alright. If you're sure."

She and Kagura had to ask for directions to the produce section of the store.After some time went by, Tohru found it by tripping on a stray carrot.

"Daijoubo?" the carrot asked sweetly.

"Hai..." She replied, then she realized...

"A talking CARROT!"

Everyone stared at her.

"Shhh..." Said the carrot sweetly.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Carrot." She whispered to the orangeness at her feet.

"Good-bye." It squeaked then exploded showering the area with orange goo.

"That was just weird."

"Rin? How did you get here?"

"I shop here...This is a grocery store right?" She wondered worriedly if Haru's bad sense of direction was rubbing off on her.

(SEE HARU! THAT'S WHY RIN DOESN'T LIKE YOU! DON'T WORRY! THE USHI CLUB WILL FOREVER BE BY YOUR SIDE!)

(Who are you?)

(UMMM...dun,dun,dun I'M Crash Bandicoot!)

Crash Bandicoot Fans Girls: Woohoo! Go Crash!

Crash Fan Boys: Where's Cocoa?

(That's not the point! breathes heavily because like Akito I get very tired and ill You imbesciles! begins throwing favorite flowered vases at the people who she just named)

(Hi. My NaMe Is KiTa AnD i WiLl Be FiLlInG iN fOr NeZuMi SiNcE sHe HaS bEeN sEnT tO aN aSyLuM bEcAuSe ShE iS nOt BeInG nIcE. bOw To Me!)

"Yep!" Tohru cried happily since she didn't, "Kagura,let's start looking for a watermelon!"

Rin, somewhat relieved, left the store because she has get ready for the dinner.

"How do you find a good one?"

"Well, my mom always told me to knock on one and if it sounds good, get it!"

Tohru begins knocking lightly on every melon.

Kagura looked at a rather large watermelon, sizing it up.

_Hm...this shouldn't be too hard._

"Ok, Mr.Melon, are you good or not?"

Kagura began knocking...

SQUISHHH!SPLATTTT!

"ALRIGHT, MR. WISE-MELON, PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!"

Kagura began smashing melons right and left. Leaving the remnents of casualties she destroyed behind.

"No, Kagura, don't do it!I know it hurts,but we have to stay together!" Tohru grabbed her friend's hands to keep her from destroying the green barrels.

"Ok..."

"Besides, I already found a good one!"

Yuki walked up to them, "What's with all the red?Did someone get hurt?Are you hurt,Ms. Honda!"

"We're all fine here, Sohma-kun!Did you find some cream?"

"Hai, the strawberries will be very good with it."

Unknowingly, Yuki chose strawberry flavored cream.

They made their purchases and headed back to the house to prepare the feast.

In the kitchen:

Tohru is cleaning potatoes at the sink, Kagura is cubing beef ("Die,beef,die!") and Yuki is setting the table.

"Ahhhhhh...that feels good."

"I'm glad you like i-" Again Tohru is slow to realize, "WHAT! A TALKING POTATO!FIRST A CARROT NOW THIS!"

"Eat me!" It squeaked.

"Tohru? What's wrong?"Kagura asked concernedly.

"It talked!"

"Nonsense. Vegetables don't tal-"

"Feed me, I'm hungry." cried the stew pot.

(hahahaha...I love Little Shop Of Horrors. Scary.)

(Oh, they let me out of the asylum. Just in case you're wondering.)

"AHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

They scream and begin feeding the pot the potatoes, carrots, green beans, and everything you like in stew.

After awhile the pot calms down.

"Tooohruuuuuuuuu!"

Momiji (skipped,ran,hopped,jumped,wormed, imagination people!) into the kitchen and hugged Tohru and then poofed into a rabbit.

"Hey! We could have rabbit stew!" Kagura cried with an evil demonic laugh.

(And Momiji left the room because he cannot die now because adorable,little,fluffy bunnies who sing songs in Japanese and German rock!And because I do not have an evil mind. Actually I do,but is this story for the kids or what?)

"Shut up will ya!"

(I'm sorry but, I am writing the story and commentating,so I can -)

(Nararrating Author gets thrown into a Galaxy Far, Far Away because I like Star Wars and because Kyo threw me there.)

(Meanwhile,)

"Kyo-kun, hello!" Calls Tohru brightly.

"YEAH? WHAT!...anou...I meant..."

"Don't worry, I understand."

Kyo smiles and all is well. Except for...

"Why don't you ever smile at me, KYO!"

"NANI!"

"WHY!"

"I do."

"...What?..."

"I. D-O. I do."

"I knew you loved me!"

"WHAT!"

Tohru smiles absently and Yuki enters the room and they begin setting the table.

(Wait! He already set the table! What's up with that! Ah...He's re-setting it.)

"Oh, Yuki-kun? You had something to pick up at the store? What was it?"

"Oh...that...well... It's in this box." He said wistfully and handed her a small silver box.

"It's for you,Honda-san."

"Oh, arigato! But,youreallyshouldn'thaveImeanI reallydon'tdeserveitandyou'vespenttoomuchonmeasitisandSohma-ku-"

"Please...it's Yuki."

"Anou...hai...Arigato!"

She bows and opens it and sees a beautifully pink ribbonwith red strawberries folded carefully inside.

"Arigato."

Forgetting about the curse, Tohru hugs Yuki...Yuki also forgets and Shigure walks in and begins chuckling and saying he never knew Tohru could be like 'this' or 'that' and really he is perverted.

(My favorite word: and)

POOF!

Yuki runs to his room and there he changes and gets dressed.

Haru, Momiji,Ayame, and Hatori arrive and they all sit to enjoy the wonderful meal Tohru has made.

And this is the end of our long story about strange shopping experiences.

THE END

COMMENTARY:

Nezumi: Yo, we finally finished. Sooo long since I've last slept. Food, food, can't wait to eat. Haven't left since we first started this chapter. Sleep...

: ...not really...right? yaaaawwnnn! MAN! I'm just WIDE AWAKE _aren't _I :)

Nezumi: I forgot. I left Ritsu,Hiro,Kisa,Kureno, and Rin out of the story. So SORRY!They WERE there though.


	4. Yard Work!

NoTe: Hey! I'm back from a galaxy far,far away...And The Asylum! For the past 3 chapters I will say,"I DO NOT OWN FURUBA!" Just to clear up any confusion, any stuff that is inside of lines such as

this

are things said by the author, me Nezumi-san. Thank you.

CHAPTER 4: Yard Work!

The Main House is needing some yard work done. Who better suited for the job then our favorite characters...

Hatsuharu, Momiji, and Ritsu!

(dun,dun,dun.)

_Again, it's hot,sticky, and well, hot..._

Hatsuharu Sohma was laying outside under a tree, trying to beat the heat, while also enjoying his life as a directionless (is that a word?) cow.

(At least he's not a sheep!Stupid sheep!)

"Haaaaaaaaaa-rooooo!" Momiji, complete with weird suit and bunny ears, bounded up to him. Ritsu followed close behind, muttering apologies to the grass he was walking on.

Haru sat up while the Usagi began talking, "Guess what!"

"What?"

"Akito says he wants some yard work done and asked if we would do it! Yay! Yard Work! Yard Work!"

" 'We' ? I don't like yard work..."

"Too bad!" Momiji aswered in an EVIL voice with a smile on his face.

They made their way to a shed behind the house, where the tools were kept.

_Hmmm...What will we need? _Thought Momiji while sitting on what he thought was a miniture car.

"We'll need that lawn mower, that you're sitting on Momiji." Haru guestured to the 'mini car', "Those loppers, Ritsu," He glanced at the wall behind the monkey, then added, "Be careful with them."

_What Does Yuki Use?_

_Ah! _

"Uh, and that shovel and hoe and that's it."

"That's it! Well, okay...Let's get started!"

Haru shrugged at his cousin and they made their way to the easiest part of the yard. The garden.

"Okay, now if you're not sure what something is, a plant or something, leave it alone and I'll get to it."

He didn't want them to suffer from Akito on account of low IQ.

They all got on their hands and knees and began pulling 'weeds'.

"Uhm...Haru-chan?" said Ritsu quietly.

"Yes, Ritsu."

"Umm...is this a weed?" He said holding something with his gloved hands with three red and gold splotched leaves that looked 'relatively' like Poison Ivy. Haru's eyes inspected the plant.

"It's pretty. I wonder if Akito would like this in the house...Why don't you go put it in a pot, Ritsu, and give it to Akito."

"Oh...okay. Thank you."

Ritsu shuffled away back to the shed.

"Haaaaa-rooo! Are we finished yet? I wanna mow the lawn!"

"Yeah,sure." He glanced at the garden, well what was left of it anyway, " I think it looks nicer than it did."

"Yup!"

They put up the tools and gathered the weeds into trash bags.

Then time for: Mower's Ed.

Students: Hatsuharu and Momiji Sohma.

Bystanding Pedestrian: Ritsu Sohma.

(You will notice there is no teacher. Ritsu,as he has said before, has no talents and neither do the other two except for singing and turning Black.)

Hatsuro inspected the strange device that cut the grass he so loved to eat.

_Why not just order some cows?_

(Why not order cows? Because the budget is tight at the Main House and Akito doesn't feel like spending that kind of money right now!)

_Okay, no need to get angry,...Moody._

He hopped on the thing and looked at the levers.

"Momiji, there's a rabbit on here."

"Really!" He jumped on with Haru and inspected his namesake which was placed across from a turtle.

"I guess I mean 'fast' on this thing.Well, you better start, Hatsuro!"

"Uh, okay."

Haru started the sudden-death-trap-for-trees and at that same moment, Black Haru took over.

Heavy metal plays LOUDLY in the background.

(Go Heavy Metal!)

"Woohoo!" He sped off making doughnuts in he grass and trampling flowers...then...

a tree.

(Now why a tree you may wonder? Well, a rock is too obvious and so is a stick and, well, this is what happened to my brother. shrugs)

The sudden-death-trap-for-trees otherwise known as a 'lawn mower' ground it's way about three feet up Akito's favorite cherry tree.

Black Haru let White Haru back.

"What the...?"

Haru stared at the tree he faced and looked at it questioningly. Ritsu and Momiji peered through their hands which were covering their faces, or in Momiji's case, his mouth.

"Oh ...crap..."

That got Ritsu started, "WE'RE SO SORRY DEAR-TREE-THAT-AKITO-LOVED-SOOOOOOOOOOOO-MUCH! GOMEN NASAIIIIIIIIIII! GOMENNASIGOMENNASAIGOMENNASAI-"

"Ristu, it's okay. We won't get in too much trouble (I hope)."

Haru finally broke his stare from the tree and pulled the lever in reverse. It was worse without the mower.

There, smack in the middle of the trunk, were monstrous gashes in the once beautiful bark. Horrified at his gruesome mistake Haru decided to commit seipukku...

Sadly...

It didn't happen.

(Aww...but I like violence and sad endings. Poo.)

At least not until Haru informed Akito. Then he was locked in a room with a short sword.

Then Yuki and Kyo and Rin and Ritsu and Momiji and Tohru and Shigure and Hatori and Kureno and Hiro and Kisa and Kagura and Ayame and (is that it?)...Well, they come and save him, Akito is taken to an asylum (with a verrry horrifying case of Poison Ivy) and Haru marries Rin, his savior and they live happily ever after.

THE END

COMMENTARY:

Nezumi : "I know it's hard to believe, but yes, my brother really did run our mower into a tree. (luckily it was in our yard!)We thought he was bright but we are wrong."

Ototo : Gomen nasai, Tree-chan! I'm sorry I have caused you so much pain!For that I will commit seipukku! tries to find a knife but only finds Shigure's fan, and in the proccess of committing seipukku he knocks himeslf unconcious

: . . .why am I hated more than _him_?. . . ._why_, why, **why**?. . . .yes, I feel much better now. . . . .stupid monkey. . . .

Nezumi : laughs like Shigure "Oh,well, that's our story! Sayonara!"


	5. Been There, Climbed That Almost

**A/N: I'm supposed to say, "I don't own Fruits Basket, Lord of the Rings or anything else I use to make fun of." I also wish to apologize for not updating and this time I hope that all the A/N throughout this story are clearly understood. Everything in BOLD print is my nararration. Thank you.**

CHAPTER 5: Been There, Climbed That. Almost.

"Today it is going to be mild out; with highs in the mid to upper 50's in the valley. Sunny. . . ." The weatherman continued on and on and on. That is, until Sohma Hatsuharu turned the t.v. off.

"Well, should we take our hike today?" Honda Tohru asked not really anyone in particular, but hoping to get an answer. The Sohma's (Haru, Yuki, Kyo, Kagura, Ritsu, and Momiji) and Honda Tohru have gone vacating in the mountains. The Rockies to be exact.

**(No adults! On no! It cannot be! It's too soon!) **

**(Why you may ask? Because, aren't my stories supposed to be about things that happened to me and my family!)**

**(We had adult supervision though.)**

They had tried climbing this particular mountain two days previously but deserted it because the mountain is a-bazillion-kajillion (no such number.) feet high and they didn't have any rations.

**(Actually it was only 13,500 feet, but who's tellin' the story?)**

Number one in mountain safety! Wait,no... number two! Bring water and food!

"I think we should leave now if we're gonna climb that thing." Kyo called from the roof, "It looked pretty high and if we're not all in shape we should set out early."

"Good point!" Tohru said cheerfully, "I will go wake Yuki-kun and tell him! Momiji, why don't you, Haru-chan and Rit-_chan_-san pack us all lunch, snacks, and lots of water.Okay?"

"Sure, Tohru!"

The little rabbit with the cow and monkey behind him went to the nice gourmet kitchen with stainless-steel appliances and tiled floors (don't let Kagura touch my dream kitchen!).

_Anou. . . .I really hate to wake Yuki-kun so early._

"Yuki?" She asked as she knocked on the door. She carefully slid open the door.

He was sleeping peacefully in his bed, looking like an angel and all the sweet things. . . . .

**(Baka Fan Girl.)**

"Yuki...?" She went and carefully shook him.

"Mmm...nani...?" He said in his deeeeeeeeeeep slumber.

"Anou...Yuki-kun needs to get up because we are going on our hike today. Gomen nasai for disturbing you."

"Okay...I'll get up in ten minutes..."

"Anou...Yuki-kun needs to get up now-"

Suddenly Haru and Momiji burst into the room.

"Yuuuukeeeeeeeeee!" Momiji sang.

"Nani!" he yelled jumping up in bed and seeing the two boys with the girl.

"You need to get up. Now." Haru said without any expression or concern.

Then he turned and left Yuki with Tohru and Momiji staring after him absently.

"Well," Tohru tore her eyes away from the doorway and began, "We are sorry for waking you and we understand that you need sleep, however we ar-"

She stopped when Yuki held his hand up to signal he got it.Then he threw her one of those marvelously handsome smiles that all the Prince Yuki Fan Club Girls love!

"Oh, well, I'll leave you to get dressed."

Ten minutes later Yuki came down the stairs dressed and ready to hike.

Then they all piled into Kagura's minivan-

**(Yes, Kagura has a mini-van.A '98 wine-colored Ford Windstar to be exact that has a terrible dent in the side where an elk hit them lies... Every woman must have a mini-van so she can take her girlfriends shopping and lug kids around too.)**

**(Order in car: Kagura driving, Tohru in passenger, Ritsu and Momiji in second row, and Kyo and Yuki in the rear with Haru in the middle.)**

and they went to the store to grab donuts and milk (in Haru's case, OJ) for breakfast then made their way to the national park.

**(Why OJ? Because Orange Juice is cool. Milk is awesome. Cool stuff rocks!)**

"She'll be comin' 'round the mountin' when she comes! She'll be comin' 'round the mountin' when she comes!She'll be comin' 'round the mountin', she'll be comin'-"

**(SINGING! Gotta love it!)**

Momiji sang and sang and sang until Kyo hit him on the head and he began complaining to Tohru who was listening to a Backstreet Boys (I know, ghetto.) cd with Kagura really loudly and singing along and couldn't hear him. After getting really bored Momiji suggests they play the alphabet game which miraculously works.

**('Cause I put bilboards up in the national park. OH NO! NEZUMI HAS JUST DISTURBED THE NATURAL BEAUTY OF THE NATIONAL PARK!GOMEN NASAI!)**

**(Well, I'm running out of things to do in the car, so they quickly arrived at the trail they are going to conquer.)**

"This is it?" Haru states stupidly 'cause he has nothing better to do.

"Yep." Says Kyo. He and Yuki secretly vowed to try and lose Haru on this trail so that they would never have to deal with his stupid questions ever again.

**(It isn't going to work though.)**

**Fans Who Hate Cows: Awwwwww...**

**(Haru is cool. Cows rock!)**

So they sadly and tiredly start on the trail of doom. The mountain they are climbing looks like a banana in a banana split.

**(Actually it looked like the bowl a banana split would sit in, that had been turned upside down.)**

**(As many of you prolly know,. . . .)**

**(Well, you wouldn't because you've never been to the mountain of Doom!MWAHHAHAHA!)**

**(Well, anyways it is very difficult to breathe in the mountains, except the Sohma's do not experience this at the beginning of their hike. They do however experience it halfway to the first tree which is only five feet away.)**

"Geez!wheezes till he sits down How can we wheezes again do this!" Kyo apparently isn't used to the mountains of the USA.

"Are you big, tough guys having trouble breathing? Do you want to go home so soon!" says Tohru in a haughty manner that was not her own.

Haru and Momiji raise their hands because Momiji copies Haru and Haru doesn't mind speaking his mind.

"That's not what I meant!" says Tohru flusteredley.

**(Yay! Tohru's flustered! She and Yuki have something in common!)**

"Inhale.inhales Exhale.exhales" Yuki is saying while trying not to have an attack in the middle of nowhere.

Haru, Ritsu, and Momiji have gotten stuck as the pack mules (Or, in Haru's case, the stupid ,slow ox).

Kyo and Yuki are not arguing because they are not acclimated.

Tohru and Kagura are 'encouraging' everyone.

Fun.

"We have another 5 miles to go till we get to the top!" Says. . . .a random person who is American and doesn't speak Japanese and is obviously,to Kyo, insulting them in a foreign language!

"What did you say!" Kyo shouts in a language foreign to the American, but luckily it isn't this American's day to die and his daughter, who is an anime fan, saves him.

"Gomen nasai!" she says like any fan. Then she launches into a conversation.

"Gomen , my oto-san didn't know you didn't speak English. I'm Kit. Namae wa na desu ka?"

**(She says all of this in Japanese, but I only knew the last part and beginning! GOMEN NASAI!)**

Yuki steps up and introduces everyone,"We are the Sohma's and our friend,Honda Tohru.That's Kagura. That's Kyo.guestures weakly to the cat Back there is Haru, Ritsu, Momiji and," He holds his hand out, "I'm Sohma Yuki."

Well, Kit being the regular girl she is, shakes his hand like any American. Firmly. Then she walks over and introduces herself to Tohru and Kagura.

"So you guys are from Japan?" She asks Tohru.

"Hai! "

"Cool! I want to go to Japan someday."

**(For some reason Kit's dad doesn't really care if she hangs out with the Sohma's, so he continues up ahead, away from Kyo.)**

"So, do you guys like anime?"

"Oh yes!" said Kagura, "We love anime! Our favorite right now is .hack/SIGN."

" 'How come I must know? Where obssession needs to go? How come I must know?-' "

**(And the trio begins singing the theme song for one of my favorite animes._"Deep in the night, far off the light, missing my headache. Visions of light, sweeter delight, kissing my loveache.How come I must know? Where obssession needs to go? How come I must know? The direction of relieving...?" _That song rocks!)**

**(Where were we? Oh yes!)**

Yuki and Kyo are walking and walking and so is everyone else when they come to a fork.

**(Not litterally! Are you guys really that gullible!)**

"Okayyy..." Yuki stares at the map absently," It says that this trail to the right goes up to Chapin Summit and this other goes to Chapin Lake.Which one, Tohru?"

Tohru smiles, because she likes it when people say her name, especially Yuki.

**(Who wouldn't like Yuki to speak their name! Well, yes the young people in the audience are an exception of course.)**

"I think we should go up to the Summit. What think ye, friend Kit-chan?"

"Aye,aye!"

"Great! We're going to the Summit!"

"Another 5 miles." states Yuki absently (cause he likes to do things absently).

So again they start, but because they drank too much milk ( and OJ) at the car, they have to stop at the bushes .

**(The last one's they'll see till they come down again, because they are going above tree-line!)**

"Okay! Conserve water! Wait until absolutely neccessary! Suck on a cough drop if your throat hurts or gets slightly dry." Says. . . . Kit's dad!

**(Why are you down here so fast!)**

"Because I didn't have to take a leak or eat or chatter or any of the idiotic things you've made them do!"

**(Awww. . . . .are you jealous?)**

"No!" He screams at Nezumi obviously upset-like.

"Okay," Kyo breaks in because Yuki doesn't want to and neither does anyone else and shrugs because I made him," Uh, I don't know who you are mysterious voice,but I want you to show yourself!"

**(Okay.)**

**BOOM!**

Out from behind the bushes walks a midget orc wearing a mushroom hat.

**(Complete Lord of The Rings The Two Towers PS2 game and you will understand,hopefully. Mushroom sold seperately.)**

**(I am Orc. My master is Saruman. Obey me.)**

"How come his mouth isn't moving?" asks Ritsu because he hasn't said ANYTHING since the beggining.

"He's psychic?" says Yuki again absently.

**(No, you imbescile!I am Orc.)**

"Me, Tarzan. You, Stupid." Said Haru.

**(He says this because he wants to fight, but he doesn't know this because his Black side is thinking this and well, you get it.)**

**(What...did you say...?...)**

"Stooo-piiiiidddddd..."

**(You don't want to fight me.)**

"Bring it...on."

**(Okay! That's it! It's on now!)**

"Durhhhh!"

**(No, you don't!)**

"Darn."

And the little midget runs at Haru and Haru who turned Black (WOOHOO!) steps over him.

The little guy is really mad now. But sadly cannot do anything but verbally abuse our cow.

Haru suddenly picks up the twerp and asks him,

"DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOD! DO YOU, PUNK!"

"Hatsuharu-chan...?" Says Tohru because she cares about all the zodiac even when they turn Black.

Haru tosses the little orc who is now going to retire from Saruman's clutches into the bushes.

**(Hello, I'm Ritsu sohma and I will be taking over for Ms. Nezumi since she is not feeling very well. Nezumi groans from inside bushes GOMEN NASAI NEZUMI-CHAN!)**

And they continue up the mountain as if nothing happened, because theoretically, nothing did happen.

**(I love big words...)**

The Sohma's experience strange things all the time, so this wasn't new to them.

**(Well, I'm getting bored, so they are now at the saddle, which is between these two mountains.)**

Chapin and Chiquita. Chapin was the original destination, but it had changed to the saddle and now changed to Chiquita which is a-million-billion-kajillion (no such number) feet higher.

**(Actuality: 400 feet.)**

"Wow! We're here." says Tohru because she has to say something.

"It's so beautiful...Tohru-chan! Take a picture of Kyo and I!Come here, Kyo!"

"Heck no!"

"Why not!"

"BE-cause!"

"Oh,Kyo..." Kagura says and sits on the ground like she did in that one episode.

"Fine! I'll take your stupid picture!"

They pose and Kyo actually smiles!

"Now onward!" says Momiji since he and Haru and Ritsu have continued up what looks like another 200 feet.

These three continue leading while everyone else follows.

And they come over the ridge, the "last" one, and find...!

Another ridge!

"...oh, crap..." says Yuki. But he continues 'cause he is cool.

**(Talking mousie buddies rock.)**

And they keep walking. Momiji is tired and so is everyone else, but they keep going, because...

**(They're going to see 'Sky Captain' even though I want them to see 'Hero'. )**

And eventually they make it to the "top".

"YooHoooooooooo!"

"YAY! HALLOOOOOOOO!"

"I'm so happy that I could share this moment with my friends and Kit-chan."

Tohru's eyes well up with tears and she smiles happily while everyone smiles at her.

Except Kit who doesn't know that Tohru is a very emotional person and expresses happiness with tears and sorrow with a smile.

"Now," Momiji who is hungry begins," LET'S go see SKY CAPTAIN!"

Kyo hits Momiji on the head and begins abusing him and everyone else laughs and they make their way down the mountain so they may watch the movie and end this long story.

THE END

**COMMENTARY:**

**Nezumi : I had fun writing this one. Although it took me some time and I had some help from my adorable sister and stuffed pet frog named Nezumi. Enjoy and keep reviewing.**

**Jessica -- : I love angry cursing cats, and my little mousie buddies! I know my facey (to your left) makes me look real mean, but, I'm not. hits sister on head very hard grrrrrrrrrrr. . . . . . .smiles. . . . . . . .sorry. . . .but in her head she was goin' : ". . .yeah, RIGHT." winks**

**Stuffed Pet Frog Named Nezumi Because My Owner Doesn't Have A Rat: ribbitcroakbelchsneezecoughhack wheeze Hairball... **


	6. All In The Anime!

**A/N: Hahaha...This is my favorite chapter! I love it so much! Please read and review! Oh! I don't own anything from this, except myself. Thanks!**

CHAPTER 6: All In The Anime

**NOTE: This is what would happen if all these animated peeps would try to play telephone.**

Tohru: Where are you going?(Lost!)

Kiba: To Paradise.

Tsumei: I'm really getting sick of hearing that word.

Kyo: I'm really getting sick of you.

Yuki: I can't even stand to look at you...

Kagura: Kyo...My love...!

Yuki Fan Girls: Yuki!

Edd: It's a lymphacite, a lymphacite, a lymphacite-o-cite!

Spike: More noodles,huh?

Faye: More carbs.

Mai: Hey! Joey!

Joey: Mai! It's you!

Yugi: Huh?

Tristan: Serenity,here's my numbe-

Duke: Serenity! Hey, baby! What's hapenin'? Here's my number.

Joey: Wha!

Kenshin: Oro?

Kaoru: They love her, Kenshin.

Megumi: Just like I love Ken-san.Let's go have some fun! **drags samurai like a leashed dog**

Kaoru: Vixen! **hits her on head, but misses and hits Tsukasa**

Tsukasa: Where am I?

Mimiru: Hi! I'm Mimiru!

Bear: Should we turn him in?

Subaru: Tsukasa, don't worry.

BT: I hate lettuce.

Lupin: I love MONEY!

Vash: I like donuts.

Alucard: You'll drink it sooner or later, Police Girl.

Police Girl: Uh-huh.

Integra: It's 'Sir' to you! Gimme' another cigar!

Dark: Can I smoke too?

With: Kyuuuuu!

Daisuke: No! You're using my body remember!

Riku: Daisuke!

Dark: Riku...

Risa: Dark...

Daisuke: Risa! **runs away**

Syaoran: ...don't you worry, Sakura...I'll save you...

Sakura: Who are you, again?

Evil Malik: Pharoh!

Yami Yugi: Mare-ek!

Tristan: That's just weird...

**(That's not what I meant!)**

Tea: I wonder if he likes me...

Ms. Tae: Sano, you better pay the bill!

Sano: Didn't she tell you? She's paying. **points to random person**

Saito: You will be the one to die.

Battousai: Same to you.

Kaoru: No!

Tohru: I know it hurts, but we have to stay together!

Yahiko: She's good.

Tohru: Thanks, Dr. Phil really knows his stuff.

Kenshin: Oro?

Ash: Gotta' catch 'em all!

Misty: If ANYthing happens to Togepei, I don't know what I'd do...

Jesse: To protect the world from devastation .

James: To unite all people with in our nation.

Jesse: To denounce the evils-...

Meowth: Meow! THAT'S ENOUGH!

Kyo: Meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...(REPEAT)...

Ayame and Shigure: Where's our cameras!

Tohru: Kyo, I didn't know you sang.

Kagura: I bet he wrote that just for me.

Kai: LET IT RIP!

**Everyone sweatdrops.**

Hilary: Ewww... **pinches nose**

Momiji: I'm HYPER!

Rei: No! I lost you again!My beyblade...buddy...friend...

Shigure: High-school girls! High-school girls! All for me!

Battousai: You shall pay for the stealing of inocent beauties. **attempts to hit Shigure**

Kaoru: Kenshin! WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'INOCENT BEAUTIES'? **glomps Kenshin and he turns back to rurouni**

Kenshin: Oro?

John: Let's sort socks!

**(WHA! What are you doing here? You're not anime!)**

Garfield: Yeah, get outta here, John.

Odie: Whimper...

**( throws the three anime wanna-be's into outer space.)**

Jing: Say No To Stealing.

Kir: **whispers**Yeah right...

Chesa: Come! Let me pet you.

Tsumei: In your wildest dreams...

Kiba: Stop! She's the reason for something!

Toboe:

Higei:

Kenshin: Oro?

Higei: Let me give you pink shoes!

Kenshin: It would sooo not clash with my outfit! Thanks!

Yuki: I don't even want to know...

Kyo: What was that, ya rat!

Gecko: Hallo! Did you know that by switching to Geico you could save 15 or more on car insurance? **starts doing** **robot**

**(author throws robot-dancing gecko in outer space with Garfield characters and other anime wanna-be's)**

Haru: Moooron...

Ayame: Uncle Ken! Uncle Ken!

Ayame: My dear samurai, the outfit of your friend here **points to Kaoru** lacks certain beep.

Mine: Yes, it does! Now let's get you changed!

Kaoru: WHAT is wrong with my style of clothing!

Ayame: My dear...** pauses dramatically** ...I'm sorry to say...**pauses dramatically AGAIN**...you have no style...

Pegasus: Yugi-boy! **notices no Yami** Where's that Pharoh!

Yugi: Dude, he means you...

Yami Yugi: Oh, right...**lil' Yugi changes into Yami** What do you want, PSYCHO!

Tea: It's you! YUGI!

Yami Yugi:

Momiji: Hey! I'm hungry! Let's go to Chinese!

Tohru: Great idea!

Kyo: ARE YOU KIDDING! THEY PROBABLY HAVE LEEKS ON ALL THE WALLS!

Yuki: I don't care. Whatever Honda-san likes is fine with me.

Shigure: Aya! Let's go eat!

Ayame: Hooter's!

**Everyone sweatdrops. Again.**

Kenshin: I would be fine with anything, that I would.

Sano: Western food! Pizza!

Yahiko: THAT'S ITALIAN YOU IDIOT!

Tsukasa: What's food?

Chesa: This one basks!

**Everyone sweatdrops. Again. For the third time.**

Toboe: A girl fed me once...she was nice.

Kyo: You mean...you ate...you're a cannibal...?

Higei: FOOD! **bites into a rock** Ow...

Tsumei: You disgust me...

Kiba: How about Paradise?

Syaoran: I'll give up my meal for Sakura...

Vash: Krispy Kreme!

Alucard: Red Cross?

Police Girl: Yeah- uuh...no...McDonald's!

Integra: I will never go there again...

Haru: I think everyone has sworn that before...

Tohru: It's settled then!

**Everyone looks at her and sweatdrops.**

Tohru: You're all coming to the Sohma house!

Shigure : Are you sure...?

**Akito has slipped in the scene without notice.**

Akito: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME! ALWAYS! ALWAYS DISOBEYING WHEN I'M NOT AROUND! I'LL MAKE YOU REGRET HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE SOHMA'S!

Alucard: Can you handle it, Police Girl?

Police Girl: Integra?

Integra: **shrugs then looks at family, no one sticking a neck out for him** Go ahead.

Police Girl: **loads gun**

**BOOM! **

**Akito is...**

**TRANSFORMED!**

**(dun,dun,dun...)**

Tohru: Let's go eat!

Everyone: YAY!

THE END

**COMMENTARY:**

**Nezumi: I was REALLY bored. REALLY. My life hasn't had any excitement for awhile.**

**Sis. --: I still think Akito should've been turned into a fuzzy-little-duck...fuzzy-little-yellow-duck...****cute-fuzzy-little-yellow-duck... ( back to reality )Waaiiiiittt...fish...raw and wriiiiigg'ling!**

**Nezumi: Okay...Thanks! R & R!**


End file.
